Kids

Kids

Monday, May 7, 2012

Things that are difficult

OK, here is a post about things related to the adoption that bug me. Not that I would change anything. Just stuff that I personally have a hard time with. Most all of these things were expected. Just wish they wouldn't bother me as much. The 1st thing is the twins not being potty trained. I think the main reason it bugs me is because the orphanage director lied to me. We were told prior to our visit they were potty trained. Every day of our visit, they were in a diaper. Twice I asked the director, via our translator, why the kids had diapers on. Both times I was told that they are definitely trained but sometimes forget to tell someone they have to go when there are visitors. Seemed a bit odd, yet somewhat understandable. So when we arrive to pick them up, I give the caregivers their change of clothes including undies. They come back and give me back the undies and a pack of diapers. Makes me wonder what else the director lied about! Anyway, it is apparent that someone must have been working on potty training them somewhat. Both would sit on the potty the week we were in country. This past week, Blake has been using the potty (for pee only) frequently as long as I remind him. Emery is no where near potty trained. So I am going to work with Blake first and then proceed with Emery. The 2nd thing that bugs me is that the kids throw any wrapper or other trash item on the ground. I know this is minor, but hey, I am being honest here. #3 - both kids prefer their finger to a tissue. Yuck! They have zero social skills. I know, this is normal for orphanage kids, it just bugs me. I think it bugs me because it seems like it will take forever for them to learn these things - overwhelming I guess. Another biggie is that Blake is such a stinker (I use the word stinker just to be nice). He bosses his sister around constantly. He yells at us in Bulgarian and shakes his finger at us. He throws a fit about 50 percent of the time he is told no. He really acts like a spoiled brat. It is super hard to teach him proper behavior skills without getting angry. I pray for patience with him on a regular basis. I also remind myself that these behaviors could be transition related and he is only 7. I know in time, things will improve. There are just moments when it seems so very overwhelming. One last thing that bugs me is that I do not have even one close or semi-close friend that has adopted a child. Nobody else really gets it and sometimes I just wish I had someone that did. OK, I am done whining now. Thanks for "listening".

4 comments:

  1. Everything you listed is normal orphanage behavior. Bugs me too! We too were told in Bulgaria they were trained. Nope. 5 months we've been home though and now Summer is trained, Reni no longer wets the bed but Logan has a ways to go on wetting at night. Social skills they'll catch on quick as they watch their older sisters. That helps immensely. As for the brat part...you're right on target. We've had a few of those in this house when they came home. They were the "orphanage favorites." It's hard to undo it but it will come. Just takes time and frustration gets to you. Well, did for me anyway. You're doing great. The first month home is the toughest for sure. Keep up the great work. Stephanie

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  2. Just keep telling yourself, "They are only 7 and they were raised in an orphanage." My 7 yr old does some wacky, super furstrating things and she doesn't even have an excuse except being 7. Of course you have every right to be annoyed and frustrated and overwhelmed. Luckily, children are constantly changing and adapting and the twins will too. Luckily, they are way better than adults at changing their ways and learning new behaviors. I pray that God will put a friend in your path that can relate to the specific struggles with adopting to give you support and encouragement.

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  3. Oh Tammy....it is sooo hard! It is hard even when you do have adoptive friends, when the children *are* potty trained, and when you are merely adjusting to new family members much less behavior problems and all the rest that you are dealing with! I'm including you in my prayers tonight and sending you much hugs and sympathies. I think that many people on the outside of an adoptive family realize that the adopted children need a lot of compassion but may entirely miss how important it is to surround the parents with the same kind of nurturing support and love. It is truly difficult *even when* we understand the impact and damage that is done when children are institutionalized in an orphanage......after all, we are human, and what we understand intellectually doesn't always help what we are feeling emotionally. Please know that you are not alone and I will pray that you will get some much needed respite and times of peace that will help strengthen and replenish you for the tougher times. You are a great mom, don't ever convince yourself otherwise...we can sometimes end up being our own worst enemy! Sending our family's love,
    Cynthia
    http://www.adreamadoption.blogspot.com

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  4. I think sometimes the kids are trip-trained rather than truly potty trained which means they know to go at the appointed times in the orphanage schedule when they are forced to take a bathroom break, but they don't know how to hold it or let someone know they have to go outside of those times.

    My son also used to throw a lot of tantrums when he first came home at 28 mo old. Different from doing this with a 7yo, I know, but it does get better. My son has a lot of developmental disabilities, but even for him, the auto-aggression and tantrums (I call them rages) are subsiding over time. He's now 10 mo home.

    Blake and Emery might benefit from being around peers who can model proper social behavior for them, like using a tissue or throwing items into the garbage can.

    Can you find a local adoption support group to make some friends whose kids were also adopted?

    Viviane
    www.martiniadoptionroad.blogspot.com

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